Return to Innocence: Awakening’s Ebb and Tide

Posted on June 8, 2014


Seriously bro, which way is forward on this ride?

Seriously bro, which way is forward on this ride?

Do you remember in Donnie Darko, when at the end of the movie all the events play backwards and bring the plot to the very beginning, but with new results? Admittedly, it’s taken me a few views and a couple of years to really snag the full implications of the movie, and each time I realize how truly brilliant the film is. It’s interesting how many multi-layered, multi-dimensional movies have almost secretly been expanding our minds into the possibilities of the universe…for quite a few years.

As time progresses and my Awakening takes me further along, I become more and more aware of the larger picture; as aware as a limited mind can be, that is. And things are at hyperspeed in many ways. It wasn’t very long ago – earlier this year, in fact – when I was still floundering in the part of Awakening that begs us to push for justice and the abolishment of all current structures, stuck in the rut of how seeing things for the first time, vividly, brings many of us to an anguish far too deep for comfort.

Recently I’ve taken to call my current paradigm the Humpty Dumpty, because it’s like I am now being taken backwards through my life and allowing the things that I’ve left in reckless abandon to slowly absorb back into my veins. Flushed the toilet of the psyche; detoxed from a long bender; purged old demons…these are the memes that have come into my head about what I’m now seeing as the Kundalini path that is today’s Awakening process.

Anyone who has been following my blog for any period of time probably is aware of how much teen-spirit-like angst has flowed through my philosophical banter about all things enlightenment, religion, dogma, and New Earth. It’s all enough to make a hard man crumble…in boredom, if nothing else. I’ve recapped ad nauseam my tumultuous past few years, trying to put it all into a sensible puzzle somehow, only to realize that I was digging the hole even larger. That’s not a fun place to be for very long, in my opinion.

So perhaps in an act of mercy from the universe, I’ve suddenly noticed how lightened up I have become of late, making my (and certainly my wife’s) day to day living much more…enjoyable. I’m not really sure which has come first, the chicken or the egg, but I am also somehow finding that the past is flooding back in and bringing with it a few important fragments of “Self” that I’d given up in the pursuit of liberation on every level.

I started noticing something was up when San Diego, the childhood home that I’ve long wanted to return to in a place of innocence, began pouring into me while I was physically on the opposite side of the world. PS – there’s probably something important in Kundalini about the return to innocence (cheesy Enigma reference here).

What I had thought was this: I was in Thailand, a place that was really breaking me down in ways that I hadn’t yet healed from childhood, and was trying to back-peddle due to my overwhelming discomfort. But through pushing forward and not giving in to those fight-or-flight thoughts, more happened…

Over the next few weeks we had our wits tested even further, to the point of realizing that safety is really an issue when you’re in a foreign and corrupt part of the globe. Again, we persevered…though we didn’t necessarily know if we wanted to. Having stayed the course, though, we landed in the most perfect of situations, which really helped us focus on why we were traveling again – specifically to this part of the world.

Since allowing the calm to sit about being in Cambodia, we were able to see these deeply heartfelt moments with a majority of the locals that can be overlooked quite easily in a land of overt and dominant corruption. I don’t know fully why still, but the land here has helped me regress through all of the things that have built my walls of anger and pain in a way that nothing else could have.

Over the course of the five weeks in southern Cambodia’s treacherous heat, intense poverty, and horrific sanitary conditions, I have found myself in a place of love and calm that I have never known…except maybe when I was little. This has presented itself by bringing me back down memory lane, starting with where I ditched the modern world: Sedona, Arizona, December of 2012.

It feels a lot like the path of Kundalini is now allowing me to bring back the disjointed relations I had, starting with where I launched into the abyss, and most likely ending where I last felt any sort of peace in my life: San Diego, circa 1980, when we moved in my 5th grade year to Idaho. I feel this because I recall saying to Allison several weeks ago that when I can stand physically back in the city that was the prelude to my realization of location not equaling happiness with my lights fully aglow, then I’ll know that I’ve made it through: I’ve returned to where I began and can know it for the first time (thanks TS Eliot).

So this blog is the reflection of my ebb and tide through the Awakening process, which currently has me allowing back into my energy field the things I’ve abandoned: my country, my military veteran status, my zen hobbies (surfing, running, snowboarding, longboarding), the great people I’ve met along the way – veterans and hippies alike…many things that I thought I was supposed to ditch permanently in order to grow spiritually. It turns out that I was only meant to cast anchors aside and flow freely through the oceans of my spirit long enough to understand my core without ambient noise.

At least, that is my assessment today! You know I’m a Gemini because everything is definitive, just for the moment. But I do suspect that the future holds those things that I’ve always known fit into this life, which means that all the work I’ve done to get to this place of serenity and acceptance, mindfulness even, will bring me all that I’ve ever felt belonged in my world. A mouthful, no?

Thanks Cambodia for being the magic that I’ve long needed. When we depart your soil, I hope we have left you something equally meaningful. As you look forward to a brighter future than your horrific past, I join you in that quest. Friends for life? I suspect so.